The holiday season can be one of the most joyful times of the year, but it’s also a time when boundaries can feel especially hard to set. Family expectations, traditions, and social commitments can often leave you stretched thin and maybe even feeling resentful.
Guilt, exhaustion, and overwhelm are part of the holidays for far too many moms this time of year because setting boundaries during the holidays can be tricky. But doing so can bring you a much healthier and more peaceful season.
Some common areas where folks need help setting buffers and boundaries include:
- Finances
- Food
- Alcohol
- Gatherings/Outings
- Family Dynamics
Kara Kazemba, LCSW, owner of Ancora Wellness in Hillsboro, OR, offers these tips for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in all areas of life during the holidays without feeling guilty.
1. Reflect on What’s Important to YOU
Before the holiday rush kicks in, take some time to consider how you’d like to celebrate (or not!) the season. Are you craving quiet and rest? Do you want a big, noisy gathering with all the things? Both? Do you love decorating and sending out holiday cards? Or would you rather bypass all of that?
Kara shared that the year she finally questioned why she was spending time on carefully curated Christmas cards that she didn’t particularly care about was a game changer! By getting clarity about what feels supportive to you and your family, you can approach the season with purpose rather than feeling pulled in a million directions.
As you reflect on what is important and valuable to you, it will make it simpler to set parameters around your spending, your schedule, and your overall personal needs.
2. Communicate Early and Clearly
One of the best ways to set boundaries is to be proactive. Let your family and friends know your holiday plans and limitations as early as possible before too many assumptions creep up.
If you’re unable to host like you have in the past or will only be attending one event, let people know with kindness and finality. You do not need to apologize or offer reasons for your decisions. Saying something along the lines of “This year, we’ll only be able to come to Christmas dinner, but we’re excited to make it special!” is sufficient.
Early, clear, confident communication will also help you stick to spending and consumption boundaries. Here are some ideas to get you started with these conversations:
- “We are protecting our budget this year by limiting our shopping list and focusing on handmade gifts and the gift of time spent together.”
- “I’m choosing to focus on slowing down this season and prioritizing time at home with my children. I won’t be able to attend your event this year, but thank you for the invite.”
- “My health is taking center stage for me this season, so I’m only enjoying non-alcoholic beverages.” (FYI, you do not owe anyone a reason for choosing not to drink alcohol.)
Communicating boundaries such as these allows others to adjust their expectations and helps to prevent any last-minute pressure.
3. Stock Up on Food that Nourishes You
Overconsumption can be a challenge for any busy parent during the holidays. Parties, gatherings, and outings generally include a lot of sweets and rich foods.
If you want to enjoy all of it without a thought, go for it! If you’d like to have boundaries about how much of certain foods you eat, then stock your home with fresh fruits and veggies and other nutrient-rich options to help you meet your goals. Don’t forget to keep some in the car, too, for all the running around that often happens during the holidays.
4. Practice Saying “No” Without Apologizing
Saying “no” to friends and family can feel uncomfortable, especially during the holidays. Guilt can show up so fast!
But setting a boundary doesn’t require an apology or elaborate explanation. You can decline graciously and simply by saying, “Thank you for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to join this time.” Keeping your response short and respectful shows that your decision is final and under your control.
Kara acknowledges that for many of her clients, this step is much easier in theory than in practice. Many moms have been conditioned to apologize when they can’t meet every need or wish of those around them. It’s not easy to say “no” without apologizing, but with practice, you’ll be doing it with confidence in no time!
5. Plan Alone Time
Whether it’s an hour to read, a solo walk, or a day to unwind, alone time is essential for recharging any time of the year. And it’s especially important during the holiday season.
If you have a spouse or partner, ask for their support in protecting some alone time for yourself. Or consider asking a friend to do a babysitting swap so each of you can have some time to yourselves.
6. Be Flexible
You may find that you have some extra time and energy to attend an unplanned event. Or perhaps you decide to spend some extra money on a special gift for someone. Your boundaries don’t have to be set in stone to be worthwhile. Flexibility is a gift you give to yourself when it feels right and is due to your choices, not other people’s pressure.
Boundaries Are Self-Care
One more important note from Kara on this topic: boundaries are not about deprivation or avoidance. Instead, they are a form of self-care that allows you to protect your time, energy, money, and overall wellness. And by proxy, that probably means you’re protecting those things for your children, too.
Embrace the season with confidence in your boundaries, and give yourself permission to create the holiday experience that feels right for you.
Kara Kazemba, LCSW, is the owner of Ancora Wellness in Hillsboro, OR. Ancora offers mental health services, naturopathic care, and nutrition counseling. It is an inclusive space that also offers gender-affirming care. The staff can treat folks from age 14 years and up in their beautiful, welcoming clinic.
