Stupidly Tired: an unfortunate, chronic condition where the power of one’s tiredness somehow unlocks incomparable and amusing acts of utter stupidity.
We have all been there. We find ourselves in an unshakable, lethargic state that lends itself to emotional volatility, and suddenly the mere act of locating the bathroom in the morning can cause an existential crisis. In this tired state, stupid things take place like washing your face with shampoo, only shaving one leg, or mistaking the carton of expired chicken broth for coconut milk in your morning coffee. On days like this, you don’t have time for eyeliner, the emotional fortitude to blend foundation, or a spare minute to play a tricky game of Tetris with your morning fashion wardrobe.
With lethargy on the brain and tired mishaps lurking around the corner, this 15-minute routine will be the ultimate cover-up for your tired state. Master your look with these simple hacks and you will have achieved effortless polish without anyone knowing you take your morning coffee with a generous topping of free-range chicken broth.
Master Your Face: Blush and Balm
There is nothing that will say “Mama’s awake” like a pigmented blush and buttery lip balm. For this simple fresh-faced look, I use Nars’s Orgasm blush which plays nice with virtually every skin tone imaginable and offers a peachy tone with a hint of golden shimmer. Dust this across the apples of your cheek and generously on your eyelids and you have achieved an instant natural glow. For a marvelous pout, Baby Lips by Maybelline is an unassuming powerhouse that offers luxurious moisture with just a hint of color. While it is a balm, the color is semi-buildable and gives you the benefits and shine of a gloss without the propensity to stick to everything in sight. Operation Master Your Look Wake-Up Face is complete.
Master Your Hair: Half-Up Half-Down
The one highlight of being stupidly tired is the fact that you wake up with perfectly tousled hair. Run your fingers through, pat down fly-away hairs and it may just appear like an intentional, master your look choice. To invigorate the tousled style, I like to use the magic of the half-up, half-down style as it instantly wakes up your hair and ushers you into the land of all things spunky. Comb out your hair and place an index finger on either side of your temple. Carefully glide your index fingers upward to the crown of your head and gather all the hair that comes up with your index fingers. Comb out this top section and secure it with a hair tie that matches your hair color. Now that you have secured a ponytail, pull the two outer corners of the tail to give it lift. Discipline any resistant hairs with a touch of hairspray and you will instantly look like a vibrant early bird that successfully fools the masses.
Master Your Look: Get Dressed With A Dress
On bad days, even the mental energy required to pick out a pair of pants can be emotionally daunting. On days like this, I implore you to not wear pants. Go pant-less. Wear a dress instead. Dresses are simple as they remove the guessing game of wardrobe Tetris from your morning routine. In order to take full advantage of the dress’s super power, complete the following steps during a day in which you are well rested so that you will make it out alive and put together the morning the stupidly tired syndrome strikes.
First, hang your favorite daytime dress in front of your closet and leave it there indefinitely. Then, write three brief, adjective-laden sentences on three separate, neon sticky notes as to how the dress makes you feel, and adhere them directly onto the dress. “Comfortable Yet Sexy,” “Durable And Feminine,” and “Great Boob Potential” are some of my favorites. With the dress making its case in front of you each morning, all you have to do is put it on and call it a day.
The Master Comes Prepared
While it’s easy to think it won’t ever happen to you, be warned – the stupidly tired syndrome hits everyone eventually. The difference now, however, is that you are prepared to master your look. With emergency plans in place for your face, hair, and wardrobe, you could probably get ready sleepwalking tomorrow and no one would know the difference. And maybe now you’ll make sure to put creamer into your coffee instead of that carton of chicken broth!
Kat Depner, personal stylist and owner of Seven Styling, is Portland’s Mom Whisperer when it comes to style. Kat blogs weekly at Seconds To Impress, Seven’s style blog. You only get 7 seconds to make a first impression, and Kat will help you make them count!