Motherhood is hard. There isn’t a manual, book or Google search to help begin to answer the 10,000 questions I’ve Googled anyway out of desperation, curiosity or just sheer exhaustion. I tried searching Terrible Twos, then Terrible Threes and I came up on nothing that was actually helpful. Despite my amazing grades in school and rave performance reviews in my career, I always seem to come up short as a mom, or at least it feels like it. I hate to lie, but when this mom of toddlers is running super low on energy or I just don’t know how to answer the endless questions my kids have sometimes it’s just necessary. Judge me all you want, but some of these white lies are my survival, and I bet if you give them a try, you’ll agree.
- The toy monster comes every night and takes toys that aren’t put away. I call him on my cell phone when necessary to enforce this. If your kids are approaching reading age, label someone in your phone “Toy Monster” as evidence.
- If I’m late to work, I’ll be put in a time out. Yup, they put me in time out. Please let me leave so I can get to work on time.
- If I don’t go to work at all my students will be mad and sad. Do you want them to be mad and sad with me?
- The store is closed. All the stores are closed. Sorry, we can’t buy the toy, food, snack, random item you want… ALL the stores are closed.
- Netflix doesn’t run more than twenty minutes at a time. Bummer, huh?
- The internet is broken (when Netflix accidentally goes over twenty minutes and we turn off the wireless router).
- We lost the remote for the TV so we can’t watch the baby channel. Can you find it? Take all the time you want looking for it…
- Yes, you guys were in my tummy in the wedding photo, engagement photo and random couple photo. When they see photos of us without them, they are convinced one of them is in my tummy.
- If we don’t brush our teeth every day, they will fall out and we will not be able to eat.
- If you just push the snot back up instead of blowing your nose out with a tissue, it goes into your brain.
- It’s time to go. Oh you’re not coming? Ok I’ll see you later. It was nice to know you (as I walk away and they quickly run after me).
- Oh, you want to eat my cookie? Okay, but it tastes just like broccoli!
- Sorry kiddos, the toy isn’t making the annoying noise it makes because it needs batteries. Oh and the store is closed for a few days so we will have to wait until we can get batteries.
- Healthy foods are good for us and help us grow. Unhealthy foods can hurt our tummy or make us sick. Mom can eat unhealthy foods because she’s already grown so much.
- OH MY GOSH… you are growing. I can see you growing (as my son takes the tiniest bite of asparagus/sweet potato/brussel sprout). You just got taller. WOW!
- Oh, the macaroon from the restaurant that you saved and put in the fridge for later? Sorry, I think someone ate it (and that someone really enjoyed it). #yousnoozeyoulose
A few little white lies don’t hurt, and some days I can’t help myself. I just told my son the toy monster is coming so he’d go to sleep and I could wrap up this post and you know what he did? He finally fell asleep! #itsahardlife #toddlermomproblems