Everyone has their assumptions about stay-at-home-moms. They spend all of their time inside of Target, get to stroll through parks whenever they want, and have all the time in the world to keep the house clean. Maybe that is true for some stay-at-home-moms, but let me be the first to tell you that being a SAHM of twins is nothing like that.
Being a SAHM of twins is nowhere near the fairy tale I imagined I was getting myself into. I was naive and assumed that I would have the energy to keep the house clean, time for countless play dates, and trips to the zoo. Then reality set in. The truth is you face a lot of intense isolation as a SAHM of twins. And the hardest part? Not a whole lot of moms out there share this publicly, even though every twin mom I’ve talked with struggles with the exact same things.
While isolation, jealousy, and marital and financial problems are struggles that all SAHMs may experience, SAHMs of twins face them while feeling outnumbered and out of control. When you’re a first-time SAHM of twins trying to figure out the new mom thing with two babies on your arm, while also adjusting to life at home after leaving a career, things can get out of hand.
All of a sudden, everything is loud. Everything is go, go, go with two babies to feed, change, focus on, and then rock back to sleep. There isn’t time for much else. Especially when loading two out the door, one on each hip, to the car and strapping them both into car seats. It takes just about all of the energy and strength you have left in you for the day.
The anxiety of leaving the house with the two babies can be unreal, but the isolation continues when you start to make all of those mom friends you longed for, yet none of them can really relate to what you’re going through as a twin mom. They can try, lend hands, and be a shoulder when you need one, but they won’t likely understand unless you hit the gold mine and make friends with another mom of twins.
While the reality of being a SAHM of twins is a lot of staying home and trying to keep your fuse from burning out, you see other moms taking their kids to the park, easily hopping into the car and back out when parking at Target. As much as you love having two, it is hard not to be jealous of the other SAHM’s who don’t.
To be completely transparent, there have been too many days where I have fallen to my knees absolutely overwhelmed and frustrated because caring for two around the clock with the same exact needs is just too much. If one doesn’t need something, the other does. It ends up falling back onto my marriage. As overwhelmed as I might be, it all comes out on my husband the second he gets home from work because if I don’t unload it all I feel like I am going to explode. Or if I do explode, it puts us in an even worse spot. I’m always in search of some quiet, or might even want to run away after my husband is home from work. I have found all these things lead to their own struggles inside of a marriage.
It’s likely you were basically forced to quit your job because the cost of two infants in daycare. Around Portland, that’s about $1800 a month for a place I felt comfortable leaving my kids with. So, as a SAHM of twins you’re down to one source of income, and with the increase expense of buying for two, you might have to get crafty figuring out how to stay afloat. For me, that meant finding side-gigs to fit inside of nap time or letting go of tiny luxuries I used to enjoy.
As a SAHM of twins life becomes kind of…dull. You’re exhausted, burnt out, frustrated, and above all else feeling cut off from the world. The isolation, jealousy, and marital and financial problems are actually what led me recently to find a part-time job away from home. Being a SAHM of twins was too much for me. It’s hard work that I don’t think anyone is truly prepared for. I love my babies, but I also love myself. And for me, that means having an identity outside of being a stay-at-home twin mom.
Written by twin mom Lynneah of Twins and Coffee. On her blog, Lynneah shares the in’s and out’s of life with twins from pregnancy to toddlerhood, all while keeping it real, open, and honest.